The magic word to end all arguments
It’s natural for teenagers to rebel against authority and challenge the status quo. But they still need to know who’s in charge.
As a family therapist would say: Parents don’t argue with children. Children may argue with parents but parents don’t argue with children.That’s not always easy to remember when you’re on the receiving end of a tirade of teen frustration and you want to answer back, but here are a few pointers that are worth coming back to when you can.
• Arguing with your child undermines your authority, diminishes respect and leaves you feeling powerless.
• Even if you ‘win’ the argument, the fact that you needed to argue with your child takes away from your position as the parent (the one in charge).
• There’s a simple way to maintain control even when your child is arguing – by using the word: ‘AND’. Here’s how:
When your child’s arguing, let him state his case without interrupting – even if this means waiting while he vents. When he’s finished, answer in a 3-part sentence:
Part 1: Paraphrase what your child said (to prove you were listening).
Part 2: Be sure to use the word ‘AND’ (‘And’ not ‘But’ because ‘But’ implies conflict).
Part 3: State clearly what you want your child to do and insist that he does.
For example:
Child: ‘It’s not fair – you let Tess stay up until 10 but she’s only a bit older than me.’
Parent: ‘Tom, I know you think I’m being unfair letting your sister stay up later than you. And I must insist that you go bed by 9. End of discussion.’
This technique might seem strange, even ruthless at first. But it leaves you feeling empowered rather than undermined.